On Grieving

I remember when my grandfather died. (He was ONLY 75.) Someone offered my father a drink saying, “Here. Drink this. It will make you feel better.”

“Thank you,” said Dad, “but I don’t want to feel better. My father died, and I’m supposed to feel sad.”

People often feel uncomfortable when someone expresses grief. You can express love, joy and laughter publicly, and people will cheer you on. But start crying because you are sad over the death of a loved one, and people will tell you to stop crying, and try to cheer you up or do things to prevent you from expressing your grief.

An employer will tell you, “I’m sorry for your loss. You have three days’ paid bereavement leave.”

After three days, you are expected to come back to work and act as if nothing had happened. “You’ve had three days to grieve. Get over it!”

There is no fixed time for grieving. It depends on the person. Some people recover from a loss more quickly than others. Some people may never recover from a loss.

I think about some of the lyrics from Mr. Bojangles by Jerry Jeff Walker . . .

He’s danced for those
At minstrel shows
And county fairs
Throughout the South
He spoke with tears
Of fifteen years
How his dog and him
They travelled about

His dog up and died
He up and died
After twenty years he still grieves …

The best way to deal with a feeling is to feel it. The worst way to deal with a feeling is to suppress and ignore it. Suppressed feelings do not go away and may manifest themselves as an illness.

Perhaps we feel uncomfortable around people expressing their grief because we have not fully dealt with our feelings of grief. Maybe we do not want to be overwhelmed by years of suppressed feelings.

The best advice I received about grieving was after my parents died. A friend said, “Cry until you have no more tears left, and then cry some more.”

If you happen to see me crying, please do not tell me to stop or try to make me laugh. If you want to help me, then hold me in your arms to comfort me and let me cry. And if you feel so inclined, then you may cry too. Together we can cry until we have no more tears left, and then cry some more. We will always feel better after a good cry.

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